“Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting
And cometh from afar;
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!”
-excerpt from Ode by William Wordsworth
This perfect line comes wistfully to mind every time I hold a freshly fleshy human baby in my arms. “Heaven lies about us in our infancy…” What sentiment. What truth. Truth you can feel with your arms and see with your eyes. Infants come helpless and beautiful into this world. Completely dependent to teach us our need and utterly precious to teach us our worth; the manifestation of a miracle.
As you can imagine, we’ve been riding the wave of high happiness and chronic lack of sleep for the last 4 weeks. My in-laws, who live above us, have been just amazing (as usual) and so helpful, and we enjoyed a simply perfect two weeks with my Mom from Virginia that culminated in a surprise weekend visit from my Dad for my 36th birthday on the 21st. We are so blessed, and the gratitude I feel like a warm hug around me translates daily into smiles and vibrations that elevate, despite the daily flux of hormones and feelings of overwhelm. You guys, 4 kids!
To put it simply, it’s been the most beautiful, gloriously wonderful four weeks. Our Eliana Esther was born on the full moon of February 26th and will be four weeks old this Shabbat evening at 10:08 pm. We are running on pure bliss and that special grace that seems to flow in abundance when you have someone as new and darling to Heaven to care for as a newborn babe. She’s delightful, I wish you could meet her.
She was my smallest baby, surprisingly! Born on Purim 2021, weighing 6lbs, 7oz and 20in long, with short blonde hair, deep blue eyes and a vagina. Ha, A GIRL! What an insane dopamine rush it was - that final push of relief as she left my body and I heard those three brilliant words. IT’S A GIRL.
Elation, another girl.
My water broke at 3 am Friday morning (the 26th) and I jumped out of bed and whispered loudly “YES!” literally like a kid waking up before the alarm clock for a much anticipated field trip. I ran to the bathroom, took a shower, and started packing up my toiletries...only to realize my labor wasn’t starting. With Solomon, when my water broke in the middle of the night, my labor started immediately and got really intense FAST, so I really thought we had a short window to get to the hospital 45 minutes away. Instead I found myself cuddling with our labradoodle Ruthie on the couch and searching the internet for what to do when labor doesn’t immediately start. I had been drinking raspberry leaf tea like water and eating dates til I couldn’t take the sweetness anymore to prepare my cervix - why wasn’t labor starting? I tried to get some sleep but my adrenaline was pumping and I couldn’t fall back asleep. Seraphina woke up early and the two of us bundled up and went on a walk around the house. This was perhaps the most hilarious thing I did that day. The snow around our place was SO DEEP and starting to melt, so when you took a step, you weren’t sure if it would hold your weight or if you’d fall down three or more feet. Every step was a gamble. I thought surely that would get labor started. But no. Also, this was at 6:30 am to give you some perspective. Those who know me well know that I rarely see that time of morning, so to imagine me tramping through the deep snow on an early winter’s morning is kind of hilarious. Eike, my Father in law, discovered me and, shocked, poked his head out the front door to inquire what in the world I was doing (!?) - to which I replied, “My water broke! I’m trying to get labor started!” ...a funny memory we’ll both laugh about for years to come.
Hours later with no progression, Aaron and I picked up some labor inducing herbs from my midwife at 11 am that I was to take every hour for five hours. I was only able to sleep about 45 minutes because of how excited I was and every hour I needed to take more herbs and pump with the Hakka breast pump I had sent Aaron into Target to fetch for me. By about 4 in the afternoon my midwife was talking Castor Oil and I was digging my heels in, still abhorrent of the stuff from that time I tried to induce Abel’s labor only to have the worst bathroom experience you can imagine and no progression in labor.
By this point, my Mother in law Dorie, who is a Nurse, and my sister in law Erika, who is also a nurse, were urging me to go to the hospital to be safe, avoid infection and get labor started already. When my Midwife agreed that was the best idea given the circumstances (those being that I had a low lying placenta that prevented me from being able to have a home birth as I had planned and hoped), Aaron and I kissed the kids goodbye and hopped in the car and had the LEAST stressful 45 minute drive to the hospital in rush hour traffic to have our fourth baby! It was a wonderful experience after transitioning in the car on the way to the birthing center for my last two babies. (Yea, yikes.)
Once at the hospital things were pretty leisurely until about 8:30 pm. We checked in, got set up, Aaron bought dinner and snacks and a big mama Kombucha from Whole Foods and we watched cooking shows on TV while the pitocin drip was started and got going. They started the pitocin at 6:30 or so. At 8:30 pm is when I noticed the TV was really annoying me and I had to breathe through and concentrate on my contractions. I asked the nurse to fill the tub for me and to my actual surprise it was nice and steamy hot when I got in. That’s where/when everything cranked up five notches. This is why water births are so amazing. The water relaxed my whole body and I sank into a deep space of concentration, releasing tension through each contraction and trying to lean into the pain instead of resisting it. It was pretty cool, I actually FELT that moment when her head came down into place on one of the contractions and I knew I had to get out of there for showtime.
I told the nurses I was ready to push so they checked me and were shocked, calling for a Doctor asap. Even with my Midwife warning them ahead of time that I would be FAST, they still did not anticipate just how fast I would be. Eliana came out on the second push and the Doctor AND my Midwife missed it! To be honest, possibly no one was more surprised or relieved than ME that two pushes were all it took. I just kept repeating over and over again, “I’m so relieved it’s over. I’m so happy it’s DONE!” Then I heard those amazing words, “It’s a girl” and my whole world became single focused and love drunk.
She was such a tiny, precious little thing. Even though I was initially so disappointed that I wasn’t able to bring her into this world in our own little world and hobbit home, I honestly can’t imagine a better or more perfect labor and delivery. It was amazing! An hour and a half of active labor and two pushes?? Are you kidding me? It was such a gift and to everyone who I know was praying for us, oh my goodness, THANK YOU! God heard and God delivered.
Eliana is Hebrew for ‘God has answered’ and Esther is the Persian name given to Hadassah that means ‘Star.’ The very same Hadassah on whose Festival of Purim she was born. Esther is also her Oma (Dorie’s) middle name.
These days we have the high honor and privilege of living in are not easy days to live through, but they are great -- and the stories we are writing with our lives are the very ones that have been spoken of by the prophets. What I say of this sweet girl from Esther 4:14, I say for each one of us. The words of Mordecai echo throughout our generation, “Who knows if you have come into the Kingdom (or been brought into this world) for such a time as this?”
Heaven hangs heavy about this girl and I’m holding on to every moment with it.
Happy one month birthday my sweet answer to prayer, my star.
You are just in time for Passover this weekend.
What a time to be born!
**Two nights ago I woke up with the words Psalm 127 in my mind. After looking it up, I leaned back, blinking away the tears.
Psalm 127
A song of ascents.
By Shlomo:
Unless Adonai builds the house, its builders work in vain. Unless Adonai guards the city, the guard keeps watch in vain.
In vain do you get up early
and put off going to bed,
working hard to earn a living;
for he provides for his beloved,
even when they sleep.
Children too are a gift from Adonai; the fruit of the womb is a reward. The children born when one is young. are like arrows in the hand of a warrior. How blessed is the man who has filled his quiver with them; he will not have to be embarrassed when contending with foes at the city gate.
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